Forums Archive Non RPG Chatter Fun Stuff The English are Coming…..

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  • #552589
    Lindsay
    • Posts : 2669
    • Succubus

    Dont be offended, tis only in jest..

    The English are coming….

    A (tongue in cheek) message from John Cleese:

    To the citizens of the United States of America:

    In light of your failure to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    (You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.


    2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and

    ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

    levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).


    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.


    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.

    Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.


    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


    7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are **** and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.


    8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

    calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.


    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


    12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.


    13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


    14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.


    15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.


    16. An internal revenue agent (i. e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s

    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


    17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

    #573207
    Thing
    Admin
    • Posts : 4512
    • Drider

    Yes please!

    Actually #2 will help me out quite a bit. I’ve always gotten a lot of grief about my spelling of colour and such.

    #573208
    smartistone
    • Posts : 6
    • Commoner

    It the British Invasions

    a play that i watched on the the British music coming to North Amarica the second part was called Amarica Strikes Back 😉

    #573209
    EegahInc
    • Posts : 904
    • Gelatinous Cube
    Thing wrote:
    Yes please!

    Actually #2 will help me out quite a bit. I’ve always gotten a lot of grief about my spelling of colour and such.

    Then quit spelling it wrong 😆

    England Sucks

    #573210
    Thing
    Admin
    • Posts : 4512
    • Drider
    EegahInc wrote:
    Thing wrote:
    Yes please!

    Actually #2 will help me out quite a bit. I’ve always gotten a lot of grief about my spelling of colour and such.

    Then quit spelling it wrong 😆

    England Sucks

    😆

    B’ah! Blame the bloke that invented the dictionary. Besides, English is a live and growing language. New words are being invented and spelling changes and evolves. Dictionaries and English teachers try to fight that drift, but it is really only standard spelling, not correct spelling. And my Highschool english teacher really hated me. 😉

    #573211
    riddles
    • Posts : 2288
    • Succubus
    Thing wrote:

    B’ah! Blame the bloke that invented the dictionary. Besides, English is a live and growing language. New words are being invented and spelling changes and evolves. Dictionaries and English teachers try to fight that drift, but it is really only standard spelling, not correct spelling. And my Highschool english teacher really hated me. 😉

    Oh, oh! Dr. Johnson (bloke who invented the dictionary). Most famous person to come from Lichfield (where I live). 🙂

    2nd most famous… Captain of the Titanic…

    #573212
    Thing
    Admin
    • Posts : 4512
    • Drider
    riddles wrote:

    Oh, oh! Dr. Johnson (bloke who invented the dictionary). Most famous person to come from Lichfield (where I live). 🙂

    2nd most famous… Captain of the Titanic…

    That’s the man. I kept trying to remember the name and kept getting the character from Black Adder showing up in my mind. I kept playing scenes trying to catch someone saying his name but I just keep going back to Baldrick turning into an Alsatian.

    #573213
    riddles
    • Posts : 2288
    • Succubus
    Thing wrote:
    That’s the man. I kept trying to remember the name and kept getting the character from Black Adder showing up in my mind. I kept playing scenes trying to catch someone saying his name but I just keep going back to Baldrick turning into an Alsatian.

    Yup, that’s him. The Black Adder character was toned down from how he was in real life apparently.

    Still not as good as the Bishop of Bath and Wells though! 🙂

    #573214
    Thing
    Admin
    • Posts : 4512
    • Drider
    riddles wrote:

    Yup, that’s him. The Black Adder character was toned down from how he was in real life apparently.

    Still not as good as the Bishop of Bath and Wells though! 🙂

    Yes, him and the puritans from “Beer” are amongst my favorites from Season II.

    #573215
    Salubrai
    • Posts : 2940
    • Succubus

    For those who are wondering, it is true that American and British English are distinctly different versions of a same base language. Each have their own rules and spellings. And both are equally valid. Neither is “correct”. So for whomever does think there is a “proper way” in which to spell or pronounce English – you’re wrong. If it’s in the standardised grammatical rules for the particular country, it IS correct. Get off your high horses and stop assuming your country (whichever it is) has the lock on the language. American English was not invented for the sole purpose of simplifying the language. But it WAS invented. It was not a series of mistakes. It was designed because there was a desire to differentiate the language from the former “home country”.

    Otherwise, the Romans should come back and complain the way in which many European countries have corrupted Latin. 😳

    Agh, sorry – I’m an editor and a hobbyist fiction writer. I have to deal with people from both the US and England trying to tell me, “no, that’s not simply a language difference. That’s a mistake!”. Very frustrating.

    As are people from both countries who claim supremacy of the language and then make numerous spelling and grammatical errors. 😀

    Oh, please be aware I’m just rating in general – not against anyone on this thread. I’m sure you all know how I can be. 😛

    #573216
    Thing
    Admin
    • Posts : 4512
    • Drider
    Shathis wrote:
    Oh, please be aware I’m just rating in general – not against anyone on this thread. I’m sure you all know how I can be. 😛

    *sniff*

    Oh sure 😥

    😉

    #573217
    Lindsay
    • Posts : 2669
    • Succubus

    I beleive, and im sure ill be corrected if im wrong, but the American version of English is actually closer to the original language root that what is spoken in the Uk now. The Uk english has actually evolved away from the root language, whereas America has maintained the older version.

    And it wasnt meant to casue quite this stir, i thought it was a funny thing… 😳

    #573218
    Salubrai
    • Posts : 2940
    • Succubus

    Actually, dearest Linds, I was not taking issue with what you said – but more responding to the spawned thread. Having already read that particular posting, I had put it on the wall in my office.

    I would say that both have continued to indeed, evolve from a common root, with both taking measures consciously to differentiate themselves from that very root. 🙂

    Although I hear dirty rumours that American English’s ACCENT is more similar to the original accent than those used in England today. Now, I cannot vouch for that.

    Do you still like me despite my rude evil evil evilness? And if you did not even like me in the first place, please disregard this question. 😉

    #573219
    Salubrai
    • Posts : 2940
    • Succubus
    Thing wrote:
    Shathis wrote:
    Oh, please be aware I’m just rating in general – not against anyone on this thread. I’m sure you all know how I can be. 😛

    *sniff*

    Oh sure 😥

    😉

    We all have our preferences, Thingymabob. I am simply a lover of good language. It can be so beautiful when put together well, and so painful when badly done.

    What I can’t stand are ethnocentric grammarians. hehe. And NO, I’m not accusing YOU. 😀 It’s those guys who stroll into my office.

    #573220
    Thing
    Admin
    • Posts : 4512
    • Drider
    Lindsay wrote:
    I beleive, and im sure ill be corrected if im wrong, but the American version of English is actually closer to the original language root that what is spoken in the Uk now. The Uk english has actually evolved away from the root language, whereas America has maintained the older version.

    I’ve heard that too.

    Lindsay wrote:
    And it wasnt meant to casue quite this stir, i thought it was a funny thing… 😳

    No, I like the John Cleese bit, and I wish it was more then just Humor. 😉 I am full heartedly behind the idea of un-revolting.

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